It's finally here! The epic finale to the dumbest parody I've ever written! With a surprise cameo included! I promise you reading it won't cause you more suffering that what you've endured while reading the previous six parts! Enough with the disclaimer, let's go back to where we left our heroes at the end of the previous part...
- Act XIX -
[Kirk, Spock, McCoy and Uhura are sitting outside the 'Little Bighorn'. Scotty
is working on the damaged engine. The pilot comes out of the Runabout and
approaches the group]
Spock : We already have passed through this situation, Captain. We won't
be able to hide all the truth from him.
Kirk : Yes, we'll have to tell him who we are and make him promise not to
tell anything. Look, here he comes.
Pilot : Your so-called plane doesn't look like anything I've seen before.
It looks more like one of those spaceships I've read about in the
Science-Fiction magazines. Now, really, who are you?
Kirk : [Dropping the logs he was holding] Well, look - er - what's your
name, anyhow?
Pilot : You can call me Gene.
Kirk : Look, Gene. We come from your future. From the late 23rd century.
Spock : Really, Captain, we were already on the 24th century.
Kirk : You're right, Spock. The 24th century, then. I'm Captain James T.
Kirk, from the United Federation of Planets, and these are Captain
Spock, Dr. Leonard "Bones" McCoy, Commander Nyota Uhura and the
one repairing the ship's engines is Captain Montgomery Scott.
Spock : Actually, Captain, in the time you've been absent, I now have the
title of Ambassador, and Dr. McCoy is now a Senior Admiral.
Kirk : Really? Congratulations! Well, as I was telling you, we had an
accident which brought us back in time and it was then that we
collided with your plane, as we were trying to find a safe place
for landing.
Gene : I knew it! I knew Man would some day reach the stars, that it was
not only fiction but a real possibility!
Kirk : Well, you must understand you can't reveal this information to
anybody else.
Gene : But why not? The people has the right to know about this! Tell me,
are there still wars on your time?
Kirk : Well, no - at least not on Earth, but... This is not the point!
You can't tell this to anybody, or you could change History! Your
future, which is our past, could be changed, and the Universe as
we know it would disappear. We've been here enough time, now we
have to go back to the future!
[Kirk walks toward the Runabout]
Kirk : How's it going, Scotty?
Scotty : I think it goes, Captain! Just let me make a few more adjustments
here and we'll be ready for take-off!
[Kirk walks back to the group]
Kirk : OK, folks, Scotty says he'll be ready soon. [To Gene] As for you,
we'll provide you with some replicated food - enough for you to
survive until a rescue team finds you. We are not too far from the
place where your plane crashed into the sea.
Gene : But wait! I want to know more!
Kirk : Sorry, Gene, but I can't tell you more. Come with me and we'll
take some food from the replicator for you.
[Kirk and Gene enter the Runabout. Some minutes later, they exit with some food
supplies]
Kirk : [Leaving the supplies on the ground] Well, I think this will be
enough for some two weeks. No one could be stranded on this island
for more time than that!
Scotty : Captain, I've finished the repairs! We can take off whenever you
want!
Kirk : Well, Gene, we are going back to the future. I wish you the best
luck of the world.
Gene : Goodbye, Captain Kirk. I promise you I'll try not to mention this
to anyone.
[Kirk boards the 'Little Bighorn' and closes the hatch. Suddenly, Gene notices
a parcel lying behind the supplies]
Gene : Captain! Wait! You're forgetting your...
[The Runabout takes off without any sign of someone having heard Gene, and goes
into space. As Gene looks into the parcel, we see it is the Enterprise's logs]
- Act XX -
[The 'Little Bighorn' is leaving Earth and heading towards the Sun for a new
slingshot]
Kirk : Spock, have you finished the new calculations?
Spock : Nearly, Captain. Since I don't know the exact parameters introduced
by the repairs made by Mr. Scott, I'll have to extrapolate them.
McCoy : You're getting more human each time, Spock!
Spock : Doctor, this is no time for insults. Let me concentrate on the
calculations... I'm finished, Captain.
Kirk : Well, then give me all the power you have, Scotty! Fasten your
seatbelts, folks!
[The ship slingshots around the Sun, shaking again. As the maneuver is over...]
Kirk : Were we successful?
Spock : Let me check the sensors, Captain. Hmmm. According to the readings,
we are in the Solar System... but the time seems to be the late
23rd century, not the 24th.
Uhura : Captain, we are being hailed by another Starship!
Spock : The sensors indicate the presence of two Excelsior-Class Starships
in the area, Captain.
Kirk : On screen!
[The viewscreen is connected and shows the image of Sulu on the Bridge of the
Excelsior]
Sulu : This is the Federation Starship USS Excelsior to unidentified ship.
Please identify yourself.
Kirk : Sulu! I'm glad to see you!
Sulu : Captain Kirk! We were just returning from our search for your body-
without having succeeded! I'm glad to see you, too! How did you
survive the accident?
Kirk : It's a very long story, Sulu...
Scotty : Captain! There's a major failure in the engines! It seems that the
emergency repairs couldn't stand the effort of the slingshot! The
starboard engine is losing power and will probably explode!
Kirk : Sulu, quick, let's beam us out of here! 5 for transport!
[Aboard the Excelsior...]
Sulu : Sulu to Transporter Room! Lock on that ship! 5 to beam up! Quick!
[On the Excelsior's viewscreen, the 'Little Bighorn' is seen exploding]
Sulu : Captain to Transporter Room - did you get them on time?
Chief : All of'em, Captain! They are already climbing off the transporter
pads!
Sulu : Escort them here to the Bridge!
Chief : Understood, Captain!
[Moments later, as the five enter the Excelsior's bridge]
Sulu : Captain! Mr. Spock! Doctor! Scotty! Uhura! I'm glad to see all of
you again!
Scotty : So we do, Sulu, so we do.
[They all shake hands]
Rand : Captain, the Enterprise is calling us.
Sulu : On screen!
[The viewscreen shows Chekov on the Captain's chair of the Enterprise-B]
Chekov : Sulu, vat's happened? Ve saw that ship explode and... Keptin Curk!
Kirk : Pavel! Are you now in command of the Enterprise-B? What happened
to Captain Harriman?
Chekov : He resigned his command on Tuesday, Keptin! But ve've been looking
fer you fer a whole tvo veeks! How is it that you are alive?
Kirk : I owe my life to my friends, Pavel. As I always stated, while they
would be near me, I wouldn't die.
Chekov : Keptin, vould you like to come here and command the Enterprise?
Sulu : What do you say, Captain?
Scotty : Like in the old times, eh?
Kirk : Well, I don't really know...
McCoy : Come on, Jim!
Kirk : What do you have to say, Spock?
Spock : It's your decision, Jim.
Kirk : Well, why not? Beam us there, Pavel!
Chekov : It'll be an honour, Keptin! Transporter room, fix on Keptin Curk's
coordinates aboard the Excelsior - 5 to beam up.
[Once again, the five are transported and rematerialize aboard the Enterprise]
Chief : Welcome, Captain Kirk! Do you know the way to the Bridge?
Kirk : Yes, thank you, Chief.
[The group exits the Transporter Room and goes to the Bridge. As Chekov sees
them, he stands up and walks towards Kirk]
Chekov : Keptin Curk, I'm giving you the command of the USS Enterprise,
Starfleet Registry NCC-1701-B. And I'm very happy to see all of
you again!
Kirk : Thank you, Pavel. [He seats on the Captain's chair. Applauses]
[Sulu appears on the viewscreen]
Sulu : Well, Captain, where do you plan to boldly go this time?
Kirk : Oh, I don't know for sure - maybe just to Infinity and beyond!
Sulu : We would be honoured to escort you, Captain.
Kirk : Well, let's see... How about a little slingshot to some time in the
late 24th century? I'd like to see how Picard's doing...
Spock : I'll have the calculations finished in just two minutes, Captain.
Kirk : Well, guys, we are together once again. Just like in the old times,
eh?
Scotty : Yes, Captain! Now we'll show we can still beat any crew in the
whole Starfleet!
Spock : I've successfully programmed the results of my calculations in the
navigational computer. We're ready for the slingshot.
Kirk : Excellent! Transmit the data to the Excelsior's computer and then
take us at maximum warp, Ensign!
Demora : Yes, Captain!
[The camera switches to an outside view. First the Enterprise and then the
Excelsior head towards the Sun and perform a slingshot, disappearing from the
present time into WHEN no one has gone before...]
THE HUMOUR ADVENTURE IS JUST BEGINNING (AAARGHHHHH!)
[Kirk, Spock, McCoy and Uhura are sitting outside the 'Little Bighorn'. Scotty
is working on the damaged engine. The pilot comes out of the Runabout and
approaches the group]
Spock : We already have passed through this situation, Captain. We won't
be able to hide all the truth from him.
Kirk : Yes, we'll have to tell him who we are and make him promise not to
tell anything. Look, here he comes.
Pilot : Your so-called plane doesn't look like anything I've seen before.
It looks more like one of those spaceships I've read about in the
Science-Fiction magazines. Now, really, who are you?
Kirk : [Dropping the logs he was holding] Well, look - er - what's your
name, anyhow?
Pilot : You can call me Gene.
Kirk : Look, Gene. We come from your future. From the late 23rd century.
Spock : Really, Captain, we were already on the 24th century.
Kirk : You're right, Spock. The 24th century, then. I'm Captain James T.
Kirk, from the United Federation of Planets, and these are Captain
Spock, Dr. Leonard "Bones" McCoy, Commander Nyota Uhura and the
one repairing the ship's engines is Captain Montgomery Scott.
Spock : Actually, Captain, in the time you've been absent, I now have the
title of Ambassador, and Dr. McCoy is now a Senior Admiral.
Kirk : Really? Congratulations! Well, as I was telling you, we had an
accident which brought us back in time and it was then that we
collided with your plane, as we were trying to find a safe place
for landing.
Gene : I knew it! I knew Man would some day reach the stars, that it was
not only fiction but a real possibility!
Kirk : Well, you must understand you can't reveal this information to
anybody else.
Gene : But why not? The people has the right to know about this! Tell me,
are there still wars on your time?
Kirk : Well, no - at least not on Earth, but... This is not the point!
You can't tell this to anybody, or you could change History! Your
future, which is our past, could be changed, and the Universe as
we know it would disappear. We've been here enough time, now we
have to go back to the future!
[Kirk walks toward the Runabout]
Kirk : How's it going, Scotty?
Scotty : I think it goes, Captain! Just let me make a few more adjustments
here and we'll be ready for take-off!
[Kirk walks back to the group]
Kirk : OK, folks, Scotty says he'll be ready soon. [To Gene] As for you,
we'll provide you with some replicated food - enough for you to
survive until a rescue team finds you. We are not too far from the
place where your plane crashed into the sea.
Gene : But wait! I want to know more!
Kirk : Sorry, Gene, but I can't tell you more. Come with me and we'll
take some food from the replicator for you.
[Kirk and Gene enter the Runabout. Some minutes later, they exit with some food
supplies]
Kirk : [Leaving the supplies on the ground] Well, I think this will be
enough for some two weeks. No one could be stranded on this island
for more time than that!
Scotty : Captain, I've finished the repairs! We can take off whenever you
want!
Kirk : Well, Gene, we are going back to the future. I wish you the best
luck of the world.
Gene : Goodbye, Captain Kirk. I promise you I'll try not to mention this
to anyone.
[Kirk boards the 'Little Bighorn' and closes the hatch. Suddenly, Gene notices
a parcel lying behind the supplies]
Gene : Captain! Wait! You're forgetting your...
[The Runabout takes off without any sign of someone having heard Gene, and goes
into space. As Gene looks into the parcel, we see it is the Enterprise's logs]
- Act XX -
[The 'Little Bighorn' is leaving Earth and heading towards the Sun for a new
slingshot]
Kirk : Spock, have you finished the new calculations?
Spock : Nearly, Captain. Since I don't know the exact parameters introduced
by the repairs made by Mr. Scott, I'll have to extrapolate them.
McCoy : You're getting more human each time, Spock!
Spock : Doctor, this is no time for insults. Let me concentrate on the
calculations... I'm finished, Captain.
Kirk : Well, then give me all the power you have, Scotty! Fasten your
seatbelts, folks!
[The ship slingshots around the Sun, shaking again. As the maneuver is over...]
Kirk : Were we successful?
Spock : Let me check the sensors, Captain. Hmmm. According to the readings,
we are in the Solar System... but the time seems to be the late
23rd century, not the 24th.
Uhura : Captain, we are being hailed by another Starship!
Spock : The sensors indicate the presence of two Excelsior-Class Starships
in the area, Captain.
Kirk : On screen!
[The viewscreen is connected and shows the image of Sulu on the Bridge of the
Excelsior]
Sulu : This is the Federation Starship USS Excelsior to unidentified ship.
Please identify yourself.
Kirk : Sulu! I'm glad to see you!
Sulu : Captain Kirk! We were just returning from our search for your body-
without having succeeded! I'm glad to see you, too! How did you
survive the accident?
Kirk : It's a very long story, Sulu...
Scotty : Captain! There's a major failure in the engines! It seems that the
emergency repairs couldn't stand the effort of the slingshot! The
starboard engine is losing power and will probably explode!
Kirk : Sulu, quick, let's beam us out of here! 5 for transport!
[Aboard the Excelsior...]
Sulu : Sulu to Transporter Room! Lock on that ship! 5 to beam up! Quick!
[On the Excelsior's viewscreen, the 'Little Bighorn' is seen exploding]
Sulu : Captain to Transporter Room - did you get them on time?
Chief : All of'em, Captain! They are already climbing off the transporter
pads!
Sulu : Escort them here to the Bridge!
Chief : Understood, Captain!
[Moments later, as the five enter the Excelsior's bridge]
Sulu : Captain! Mr. Spock! Doctor! Scotty! Uhura! I'm glad to see all of
you again!
Scotty : So we do, Sulu, so we do.
[They all shake hands]
Rand : Captain, the Enterprise is calling us.
Sulu : On screen!
[The viewscreen shows Chekov on the Captain's chair of the Enterprise-B]
Chekov : Sulu, vat's happened? Ve saw that ship explode and... Keptin Curk!
Kirk : Pavel! Are you now in command of the Enterprise-B? What happened
to Captain Harriman?
Chekov : He resigned his command on Tuesday, Keptin! But ve've been looking
fer you fer a whole tvo veeks! How is it that you are alive?
Kirk : I owe my life to my friends, Pavel. As I always stated, while they
would be near me, I wouldn't die.
Chekov : Keptin, vould you like to come here and command the Enterprise?
Sulu : What do you say, Captain?
Scotty : Like in the old times, eh?
Kirk : Well, I don't really know...
McCoy : Come on, Jim!
Kirk : What do you have to say, Spock?
Spock : It's your decision, Jim.
Kirk : Well, why not? Beam us there, Pavel!
Chekov : It'll be an honour, Keptin! Transporter room, fix on Keptin Curk's
coordinates aboard the Excelsior - 5 to beam up.
[Once again, the five are transported and rematerialize aboard the Enterprise]
Chief : Welcome, Captain Kirk! Do you know the way to the Bridge?
Kirk : Yes, thank you, Chief.
[The group exits the Transporter Room and goes to the Bridge. As Chekov sees
them, he stands up and walks towards Kirk]
Chekov : Keptin Curk, I'm giving you the command of the USS Enterprise,
Starfleet Registry NCC-1701-B. And I'm very happy to see all of
you again!
Kirk : Thank you, Pavel. [He seats on the Captain's chair. Applauses]
[Sulu appears on the viewscreen]
Sulu : Well, Captain, where do you plan to boldly go this time?
Kirk : Oh, I don't know for sure - maybe just to Infinity and beyond!
Sulu : We would be honoured to escort you, Captain.
Kirk : Well, let's see... How about a little slingshot to some time in the
late 24th century? I'd like to see how Picard's doing...
Spock : I'll have the calculations finished in just two minutes, Captain.
Kirk : Well, guys, we are together once again. Just like in the old times,
eh?
Scotty : Yes, Captain! Now we'll show we can still beat any crew in the
whole Starfleet!
Spock : I've successfully programmed the results of my calculations in the
navigational computer. We're ready for the slingshot.
Kirk : Excellent! Transmit the data to the Excelsior's computer and then
take us at maximum warp, Ensign!
Demora : Yes, Captain!
[The camera switches to an outside view. First the Enterprise and then the
Excelsior head towards the Sun and perform a slingshot, disappearing from the
present time into WHEN no one has gone before...]
THE HUMOUR ADVENTURE IS JUST BEGINNING (AAARGHHHHH!)
And that's it! It's finally over! No more pain! If you made it this far, congratulations! You've passed the required tests to become an Official Redshirt! Now go to the Transporter Room, Captain Kirk, Mr. Spock and Dr. McCoy are just waiting for you in order to beam down to Planet of Ultimate Doom! (And don't worry about the name, it's an exaggeration - it should be called "Penultimate Doom", at most!)
Well, as you may have noticed, this part featured the ULTIMATE cameo - The Great Bird of the Galaxy himself! It couldn't have been anyone else! And look who else showed up by the end! Now our crew is all together again, aboard a brand new Enterprise, and ready to keep doing silly things all throughout the known (and unknown) Quadrants of the Galaxy! (But don't worry, I never wrote a sequel after this... or maybe I should do just that?)
The critics are unanimously saying: "This is the dumbest P.O.S. I've ever read in my whole life! It's author should be keelhauled at the very least!" Well, Thank you! That's exactly what I wanted to hear! (And that's the little bit of Gómez Addams inside me talking...)
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