Well, here it is, rescued from the depths of my stack of backup CDs: the first part of my old parody. Please forgive me for not having been able to get the characters' mannerisms quite right, but I watched the shows dubbed into Spanish, not in English, so I didn't have a frame of reference I could use for that. Notice that I rote this before we got many details on Star Trek: First Contact, so I had no idea about the Sovereign class at the time. I wonder if you'll figure out the meaning of some of the jokes... keep in mind this was conceived and written mostly during 1995, and things that made sense in that context may just make people scratch their heads these days if they weren't alive back then.
- Prologue -
[The camera follows the steps of a woman followed by two men. They come to a
door which opens automatically in front of them. A voice is heard: "Everybody
stand up. Admiral Satie presides." The camera shows a close-up of Admiral
Satie, revealing her as the woman previously followed by the camera. Behind her
enter Admiral Quinn and Admiral Haftel. They take their places and sit down.]
Satie : Bring the accused in!
[The door at the opposite end of the courtroom is opened, and the Enterprise-D
commanding officers enter through it: Picard followed by Riker and Data.]
Satie : Well, the charges against you are very clear. The Destruction of
the Galaxy-Class USS Enterprise, Starfleet registry NCC-1701-D; the
death of nearly 10% of the people it carried aboard; and [looking
at Data] extreme cowardice on a highly critical situation...
[Adm. Haftel whispers something to Satie's ear]
Satie : ...and let us not forget the deforestation of nearly 100 000 square
kilometres of virgin woods!
Riker : But that's a ridiculous charge! Besides, I assume all of the
responsibility for the first two charges. Captain Picard wasn't
even aboard when all that happened...
Satie : Aha! Then we can add Abandonment of his post in moments of need!
Picard : [Looking hatefully at Riker] Thank you, Will...!
[Suddenly, there is a flash of light in mid-air, and Q appears in 21st-century
judge gears]
Q : I can add other charges, like being a too typical representative
of this dangerous, savage, child race and totally lacking any sense
of humour, which...
Satie : Who the hell are you? This is MY trial! _I_ am the judge here! I
want you out of my sight immediately!
Q : OK, as you wish...
[Q snaps his fingers, and everyone else except Picard vanishes from the
courtroom]
Picard : Q! Bring them back immediately!
Q : Oh, come on, Jean-Luc... You won't tell me that you prefer to be
accused for such trivial charges instead of being put to trial on
more important things by me, will you?
Picard : This is no time for your silly charges against humanity, Q! I
demand that you bring them back immediately and leave this room!
Q : OK, Jean-Luc, if that is what you want...
[Q snaps his fingers again and vanishes in a flash of light, simultaneously
bringing the other people back to the courtroom]
Satie : Who was that... being?!
Picard : It's called 'Q'.
Satie : I don't mind if he's called 'M' or whatever, but I'm not going...
[Suddenly there is another flash of light, and Q reappears]
Q : ...but remember, Jean-Luc, that the Trial to Humanity isn't over
yet!
[Q disappears in another flash of light]
Satie : ...as I was saying, I am not going to allow any more interruptions!
After having seen the evidences and since you don't have anything
that could be said in your favour, I'm going to dictate sentence.
Quinn : Be mercyful, Norah. Remember the episodes in which Picard and his
crew have saved the Federation...
Satie : And you remember 'The Best of Both Worlds'! It is my decision that
you be...
[Suddenly, there is some disturbance behind the door, and someone is heard
shouting "Dammit, I'm an Admiral, not your Grandfather!" Then the door opens,
and The Admiral enters the courtroom and walks towards Picard...]
McCoy : Tell me, Captain Picard, is it true that you met Jim?
[There is a cut. A variation of the well-known Star Trek theme plays, and in a
greenish colour, the following title appears over a starfield: ]
Paranoid Fixtures
presents
_______ __________ ____ _______ __________ _______ _______ __ ___ ___
| -----'`--. .--'/ _ \ | --. | `--. .--'| --. || ----|| |/ / ( o )
|____ | | | / ___ \ | _ < | | | _ < | ----|| _ \ ( o )
`-------' `--' '-' `--'`--` `--` `--' `--' `--'`------'`--' `--` `---'
___ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
_______.----. | |_| |_ |_)|_ |_ | | ||_ | ||_ |_/ | |_) |_/ .----._______
`--------' | | | |_ | \|_ __||_ |_||_ |_|| | \ | | \ | \ `--------'
- Act I -
Satie : I just said I wasn't going to allow any more interruptions! I am
going to dictate sentence...
McCoy : Admiral Satie, may I remind you that I am your superior?
Satie : You? You are already retired! Besides, you are a doctor, not a
soldier!
McCoy : May I have a few words with you?
Satie : No way!
McCoy : The Princess...
Satie : There will be a 15 minute recess.
McCoy : Nice girl...
[He takes Satie apart]
McCoy : Now listen, Norah, I know everything about that Galaxy-Class ship
which you sold to a private cruise line.
Satie : I don't have the least idea of what you are speaking about!
McCoy : Come on, Norah, don't think I am senile. Do you think I don't have
any evidences to prove what I'm saying? Then let me tell you how
wrong you are. Better yet, let me show those evidences in front of
this audience right now...
Satie : All right, you win! Now what's it that you want?
McCoy : First, I want you to give Picard again command of a starship.
Satie : WHAT???!!! I was going to demote him! It will take me YEARS to get
enough facts against him again!
McCoy : Then I'll tell about the ship...
Satie : But there are actually no starships available as to give him a new
command!
McCoy : No? What about the very one we are talking about? You'll say that
the ship had been secretly kept in reserve in case of any emergency
and give Picard her command...
Satie : OK, I'll do it as you say...
McCoy : That's not all. I'll go with Picard aboard the ship on a special
mission. Any resources needed should be provided by Starfleet.
Satie : OK, OK! Anything else?
McCoy : Well, I think that's enough - for now.
[They reenter the courtroom]
Satie : As I was saying, it is my decision that, given the special
circumstance that you were acting in order to save millions of
lives, all charges against you be cancelled and you be given the
command of the Galaxy-Class Starship which we have secretly kept in
reserve, actually in service as a starliner under the name "S.S.
Galactic Princess". This Court-Martial is over!
[Cheers and applauses from the audience. Admiral McCoy approaches Picard]
McCoy : So, Captain Picard, now you can tell me more about Jim...
[They begin walking outside the courtroom, and then there is a cut]
- Act II -
[Aboard a shuttlecraft en route to the SS Galactic Princess. Lt.Cmdr. Data is
at the helm, and beyond him, McCoy is talking to Picard]
McCoy : ...and you are saying that no time had passed inside that Nexus?
That Jim was as old as when he disappeared on the Enterprise-B's
maiden trip?
Picard : Yes, that was it. As Guinan explained me, the Nexus is an atemporal
zone. For Kirk, When I found him, it was as if he had just arrived
there. Then I finally could convince him that everything there was
only an illusion, as real as he wanted it to be - but still an
illusion, and to come with me to stop Soran. Unfortunately, after
he retrieved the remote control from that half-broken platform
where it had fallen, the platform ceded - and it took him with it
on its way down. When I finally reached him, the only thing I could
do was listen to his last words. But I can assure you that he died
with the satisfaction of having made the difference...
Data : Excuse me for interrupting you, Sir, but we are approaching the SS
Galactic Princess. Estimated arrival in 6 minutes, 47,341 seconds.
Picard : Thank you, Mr. Data.
McCoy : Well, Picard, one of the first things to do upon boarding the ship
will consist in localizing Scotty and Spock...
Data : Sir, according to the most recent Starfleet reports, Ambassador
Spock is on the planet Romulus.
Picard : Oh, no, not again!
Data : Hahahaha, I fooled you, I fooled you!
Picard : Really, Mr. Data, that joke wasn' funny. You must learn the proper
use of your emotions.
McCoy : What emotions are you talking about?
Data : I got an emotion chip implanted, Sir. Now I have become more human.
But I still have not managed to control them adequately, as it
seems.
McCoy : Don't try to have them under too much control, or you'll be as
annoying as a Vulcan, maybe even worse...
Data : Excuse me, Sir, but I still do not understand your point ov view
about the Vulcans.
McCoy : That's because you haven't served together with Spock for as long
as I did. At some times he was really exasperating...
Data : We have arrived, Sir. Now entering shuttlebay 1.
[The scene cuts to a side view of the shuttlecraft entering the shuttlebay. The
camera moves slowly to the front of the shuttlecraft as it lands, then the view
changes to a point behind Geordi, who is waiting at the shuttlebay. The doors
of the shuttlecraft open, and Picard and McCoy descend, followed later by Data]
LaForge : Welcome aboard, Captain, Admiral...
Picard : Is everything OK with the ship, Mr. LaForge?
LaForge : Well - it seems this ship has undergone some minor modifications...
Picard : What do you exactly mean by 'minor modifications', Mr. LaForge?
LaForge : Well, you will see them by yourself. But the most obvious is in the
Turbolift. Although the Bridge and Engineering keep their names,
other decks have been reasigned NAMES instead of numbers - you will
have to get accustomed to them: Coral, Fiesta, Aloha, Riviera,
Promenade, ...
McCoy : It doesn't sound too odd to me - that's just the usual nomenclature
in a starliner.
LaForge : A Galaxy-Class ship misused as a starliner???!!!
McCoy : It's too long a story, Commander, as to tell it now...
LaForge : Well, at least now I understand better the reason for some of those
modifications...
Picard : Well, just keep inspecting the ship's systems and modify only those
which have been TOO modified. We must depart as soon as possible.
LaForge : Aye, Sir.
[Picard and McCoy enter the Turbolift. Data stays with Geordi]
Data : I do not understand, Geordi. What purpose could it have to give the
decks of a ship what appear to be more or less arbitrary names?
LaForge : Here we go again. Look, Data,...
[The scene fades as they both approach the turbolift]
- Act III -
[Picard and McCoy come out of the Turbolift into the Bridge]
Riker : Admiral on the Bridge! Welcome aboard, Admiral, Captain Picard...
Did you have a good trip?
Picard : Well, if you don't count Mr. Data's misplayed joke on me...
McCoy : Well, Picard, you have to understand the boy. He's trying to use
something he had never known before. I remember when Spock tried to
use some 20th-century 'colorful metaphores' after hearing Jim use
them. The results were a total disaster...
Worf : Captain! I'm picking up a strange transmission from an unidentified
source!
Picard : Put it on screen, Mr. Worf!
[As the main screen is turned on, a strange image appears on it...the Bridge of
the Enterprise, with the crew going about their duties...! Then, suddenly...]
Loudspeaker:Just when they thought they had got rid of him... he is back! More
powerful and frightening than ever! Wesley Kruger returns in...
"Nightmare on Star Fleet, Part 8" - Opening next week on a holodeck
near you...
Picard : Shut it down immediately! I can't stand such atrocities!
Worf : Yes, Sir.
[Just as Worf shuts down the main screen, Deanna enters the Bridge]
Troi : Captain! I just sensed a terrible presence around the ship! We must
get away immediately!
Picard : It's all right, Counselor. We already handled that. Admiral, let me
introduce you to our Ship's Counselor, Deanna Troi.
McCoy : It's a pleasure to meet you, madam. I only wish Jim were here...
Worf : Captain! There is an incoming call from deck 10... or whatever!
Guinan : Captain Picard, this is Guinan. I have some complaints about this
place... first, someone has named it "Pirate's Cove"... and second,
what's that I've been told to wear this funny hat with a skull and
two crossbones on it?
Picard : You can do what you find best, Guinan. Picard out.
Guinan : Thanks, Captain. Guinan out.
Worf : There's another call, Captain... this time from Sickbay!
Crusher : Captain, this is Dr. Crusher. I've been taking a look at the
medical supplies stocked here in Sickbay. Most of them have
expiration dates corresponding to as long ago as the early 21st
Century! Who was the irresponsible in charge of here before?!
Picard : I currently have no idea about it, Dr. Can't you do anything about
it?
Crusher : I guess I could replicate some stocks from the shuttles' First-Aid
kits.
Picard : Then make it so! Picard out!
Worf : Another call, Sir - Holodeck 3.
Picard : What the...
Barclay : Captain, this is Lt. Barclay. Sir, I was inspecting the Holodecks,
and when I came to Holodeck 3, I found something very unusual...
Picard : Is it a malfunction?
Barclay : In no way, Sir. You should better come and see this by yourself...
Picard : OK, I am going, Mr. Barclay. Picard out. Number One, the Bridge is
yours. Mr. Worf, you come with me. Would you like to come with us,
Admiral?
McCoy : No, thank you, Picard. I think I better start looking for Scotty
and Spock.
[Picard and Worf enter the Turbolift]
Turbolift : Which level, please?
Picard : Holodeck 3.
Turbolift : 'Holodeck 3' is not a valid deck name. Please re-specify.
Picard : Computer, where is currently Lt. Barclay?
Turbolift : Lt. Barclay is currently on the Riviera Deck.
Picard : Then take us there.
[The Turbolift travels down to the Riviera Deck. The doors open, and Picard and
Worf get out. Reg Barclay is standing in front of them]
Broccoli : Welcome, Captain. Please follow me. You have to see this by
yourself.
[They follow him to Holodeck 3 and stop in front of the door]
Barclay : I wanted to run a test program I designed, and then the computer
informed me that there was another program running on the Holodeck
and it couldn't be terminated. So I entered to take a look... and
this is what I found...
[The Holodeck door opens. It shows a swimming pool with many girls in bikinis
and among them a man in glasses and a short white uniform. As they walk into
the Holodeck, the man sees them and looks at Picard]
Bricker : Welcome aboard, Captain!
To be continued in Part 2!
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