And now, here's part 2 of my parody. Oh, wow, I just noticed I referenced the year 2029 in it, so I'm glad I'm reposting it on 2026 and not later! There may still be time enough for my prophecy to be fulfilled. Also, remember that back in 1996 the Intel Pentium chip had been released a little over two years earlier, and it was found to have some nasty floating-point bug some time later...
- Act IV -
Picard : Who the hell are you and how did you know I was the Captain?
Bricker : I'm Your Ship's Doctor, Adam Bricker. As for knowing that you were
the Captain - well, I only had to look at your head...
Picard : What do you mean?
Bricker : Oh, nothing... only that there's something which seems traditional
for this ship's Captains. But now, what can I do for you, Captain?
[Meanwhile, at Engineering]
LaForge : Hey, Data, take a look at this funny equipment I found here
connected to the computer. It's labeled 'V-C-R'.
Data : According to Starfleet Historical Database, those initials belong
to an old system designed to provide a way of entertainment to
people in the late 20th and early 21st Centuries. Finally, it
proved to be far more addictive than that game Commander Riker
brought back from Risa and was proscribed in 2029, together with
what was called 'T-V'. I wonder how this unit managed to be here...
LaForge : Maybe it's a new Romulan attempt to conquer the Federation...
Data : I seriously doubt it, Geordi. If you look closely at this side of
the unit, you will see that it says 'Made in Hong Kong', which is
hardly the name of a Romulan place. Elementary, my dear Geordi...
LaForge : Splendid deduction, Data! What else can you tell me?
Data : Well, once upon a time, there was a king who...
LaForge : I mean about this subject!
Data : Oh, well... The same sources say that the equipment worked by using
something called "video-cassettes", whose dimensions were some
188x104x25 mm, which leads me to believe they are stored in those
polymeric containers standing in the shelf right behind you.
LaForge : You mean these plastic boxes?
Data : That is just what I said.
LaForge : And what should one do with those - uh - 'video-cassettes'?
Data : Well, according to the Federation Database, you take them out of
the protective casing, depress the button labeled 'Power' in order
to energize the unit, and then insert the 'video-cassette' through
the big slot in the front of the unit.
LaForge : And what will this do?
Data : Well, the 'video-cassettes' are supposed to contain an analog
recording of bi-dimensional images which can be projected back on
a flat screen by means of an electron beam.
LaForge : How primitive! Those guys who designed this surely never heard
anything about Holodecks!
Data : Well, let us select one of these 'video-cassettes' by title in
order to get a better idea of how the system works. Could you
arrange to connect this equipment to the computer and display it on
a monitor screen?
LaForge : Of course I can! Meanwhile, you can look for a good title to try.
[Data starts reading the tape titles]
Data : 'XXX' - an intriguing title...
LaForge : Better choose another, Data. I think you are still too young for
that one.
Data : There are 79 here of something called 'Star Trek'.
LaForge : Sounds like a primitive astronomical guide. Should be boring.
Discard them.
[As Geordi opens the casing of the 'V-C-R']
LaForge : This is funny - it seems somebody already made a connection here...
Well, it seems the system is currently active...
Data : Here is one which I think should be interesting. It is entitled
'Get Smart'. It should be a sort of method for the further
development of human mental skills, as the name implies...
[At the very same time, back in Holodeck 3]
Picard : Well, if you are the ship's doctor, then the first thing you could
do is go to Sickbay and help Dr. Crusher to clean up the mess up
there.
Bricker : Well, Captain, this is currently not possible.
Picard : What?! As Captain of this ship I am giving you a direct order!
Barclay : Captain, I think there's a justified ground for this...
Bricker : Indeed, there is, my friend! Captain, you should already have
noticed that I am currently a holographic projection - the original
Doctor died very long ago. I was programmed with all of his medical
knowledge and personality.
Picard : A holographic doctor??? Who has heard of such a thing before???
Barclay : [raising his hand] I have, Captain. I read about this in the last
issue of 'Holography Today'. It's said to have been implemented in
all Intrepid-Class Federation vessels. This must have been the
prototype.
Bricker : You're right, my friend. So, what now, Captain?
Picard : Well, I don't like self-conscious holograms - so I'm going to order
the computer to end the program. Mr. Worf, after finishing here,
make sure the name "SS Galactic Princess" has been wiped out and
replaced by "USS Enterprise - NCC-1701-E" on the hull...
Bricker : You can't do that, Captain! Neither to me nor to the ship!
Picard : Oh, yes, I can. I am the Captain. And there's nothing you can do
to stop me, since you can't get out of here, anyway...
[At the very same instant, on Engineering]
LaForge : OK, Data, give me the 'video-cassette'... Oh, look, there was one
already inside...
[He changes the videocassette]
Data : What was the name of that one?
LaForge : I think it says "The Love Boat" or something like that.
[And back on Holodeck 3... the Doctor loses his glasses, his uniform changes
into leather clothes and boots, he grows a moustache and a Luger appears on his
hand, turning into... Siegfried!
Siegfried : It's _YOU_ who can't leave now, Chief! Now you are my prisoners!
[Worf tries to get his phaser, but Siegfried is faster and shoots him at the
arm]
Siegfried : Nein, nein! You shouldn't have done das! Now be gute Kinder and
drop all your Waffen, sonst I'll pump you voll lead! And dies time
nicht eben Smart will be able to stop mich! Jawohl! Hohoho!
- Act V -
Picard : You mean to hold us prisoners here until we cede to your absurd
demands?!
Siegfried : Ja, you got die Idee. I will take command of dieses Schiff and use
it to get back to KAOS Hauptquartiere. But first I will have to
kill you.
Picard : Computer, end program!
[Absolutely nothing happens]
Barclay : I was telling you, Captain, that the program cannot be cancelled...
Siegfried : Was were you trying to do, Chief? Distract my attention? Auf
Nimmerwiedersehen, Chief!
Worf : What did he say, Captain?
Siegfried : I said "Never see you again"!
[He takes a step back]
[Back at Engineering...]
Data : It seems this was not what I thought. Let us better put again the
other 'video-cassette'...
[Geordi puts back the "Love Boat" videocassette]
[Back at Holodeck 3, the scenario changes back to the swimming pool, just
beneath Siegfried's feet, so that he falls into it]
Siegfried : Ach, Du Sch***! Das Schiff sinkt! Rettet sich wer kann!
Worf : What did he say, Captain?
Siegfried : I said "Oh, sh**! The ship sinks, save... Glub, glub...
Worf : What kind of word is 'Glub, glub'? I don' think I have heard it
before.
Barclay : I think he is drowning, Sir.
[From the swimming pool emerges back Dr. Bricker]
Bricker : What happened? Why was I in the middle of the swimming pool?
Picard : It's all right, Doctor. OK, we'll let you stay here. We'll call you
if we need you.
Bricker : Well, Captain, I think I can afford that. Bye, then.
Picard : Computer, Exit!
[They retrieve their phasers and exit the Holodeck. Back in Engineering...]
LaForge : Hmmm... Data, I've traced those connections going out from the
system... It seems they lead to Holodeck 3!
Data : I recall Lt. Barclay said something about inspecting the Holodecks.
Maybe he is still there?
LaForge : Let's see. Chief Engineer LaForge to Lt. Barclay.
Comm Badge: Lt. Barclay here. What can I do for you, Sir?
LaForge : Tell me, Reg, have you found any anomalies on your inspection of
Holodeck 3?
[The scene changes to show Barclay in front of the Holodeck and Picard and Worf
entering the Turbolift]
Barclay : Any anomalies? Oh, well - it's a very long story, Sir...
- Act VI -
[Picard and Worf enter the Bridge from the Turbolift]
Riker : Everything normal on Holodeck 3, Captain?
Picard : Yes, Number One - everything is now back to normal.
McCoy : Picard, during your absence we have located Scotty and Spock.
Scotty is already en route to the ship. Spock was last seen on the
Deep Space Nine Station.
[Picard's Comm Badge sounds]
Crusher : Dr. Crusher to Captain Picard...
Picard : Yes, Doctor?
Crusher : Captain, I fear there is nothing more I can do for the patient...
You better come while he is still alive...
Picard : I'm on my way. Picard out. Number One, follow me. Admiral, you have
the Bridge.
[Picard and Riker enter the Turbolift]
Worf : Admiral, there is an incoming message from the Space Dock. Captain
Scott has arrived and is requesting to be transported aboard, Sir.
McCoy : Let's go to Transporter Room 3. [To Deanna] Would you like to come
with me, Madam?
Troi : It will be a pleasure, Admiral.
McCoy : Let's go. Mr. Worf, the Bridge is yours.
[McCoy and Deanna enter the Turbolift... and they fall two decks, since it has
not returned yet!]
McCoy : Oh, my Bones!
Troi : Oh, my *****!
[They stay up and exit the shaft. This time they wait for the Turbolift before
trying to enter. Then they exit the Turbolift, still complaining, and head
towards Transporter Room 3]
[Meanwhile, at Sickbay... Picard and Riker are just entering...]
Crusher : I'm sorry it's already too late, Captain - he's dead!
Picard : NOOO! *Sob*
Crusher : You have to be brave, Jean-Luc.
[Rushing to the bed, Picard raises the dead body of his beloved Livingston]
Picard : Alas! poor Yorick. I knew him, Number One; a fish of infinite jest,
of most excellent fancy. Where be your gibes now? your gambols?
Quite chapfallen? [To Riker] Prithee, Number One, tell me one
thing.
Riker : What's that, Sir?
Picard : Dost thou ever think Livingston smelt so? Pah! [He throws the dead
fish away]
Riker : E'en so, Sir.
Crusher : Captain, I think you forgot that this was a highly poisonous fish -
and you just touched it with your bare hands!
Picard : What?! Oh my God! Do you have an antidote?
Crusher : You're lucky, Captain - it's today's special offer. Here.
[She immunizes Picard]
Picard : Well, Doctor, you can dispose of that waste as you like most. Let's
return to the Bridge, Number One.
[Picard and Riker leave Sickbay, while Dr. Crusher carefully puts the dead
Livingston inside a plastic bag.]
[Meanwhile, at Transporter Room 3... McCoy and Deanna enter]
McCoy : Chief, signal the Space Dock that we are ready to transport Captain
Scott aboard.
Chief : Aye, Sir.
Scotty : Scott to Enterprise - beam me up!
McCoy : Energize!
Chief : Sir! There seems to be a problem with the transporter!
McCoy : We can't lose Scotty! Can you fix it on the fly?
Chief : Yes, Sir! [He hits the console, which blinks and returns to work]
[Scotty is safely beamed aboard the ship]
Scotty : Gee, I always wanted to know what it was like to say that! Hi,
doctor! You look a little mishandled - as if you were 180 years old
and had just fallen down a shaft!
McCoy : Welcome aboard, Scotty. I've been missing your sense of humour as
much as Spock's lack of it.
Troi : I'm glad to see you again, Mr. Scott.
Scotty : Let me assure you the feeling is mutual, madam...
[Scotty climbs out of the transporter pad.]
Scotty : So this bathtub is the new Enterprise?
McCoy : Yes, but we don't have time now to talk about it. We must go search
for Spock in order to rescue Jim.
Scotty : You say the Captain is still alive? I thought he had died on that
accident 78 years ago.
McCoy : No, he was alive - until a couple of months ago...
Scotty : Alive! But it canna be possible! Nah! Not after so long!
McCoy : For him, no time had passed. That energy ribbon which wiped out the
lower decks of the Enterprise-B transported him into a timeless
zone called the Nexus... It seems the El-Aurians had already been
caught there.
Scotty : But what's that you say, he was alive until a couple of months ago?
McCoy : He escaped with the help of Captain Picard and died when trying to
stop a madman named Soran who was trying to re-enter the Nexus at
any cost.
Scotty : But nothing has changed if he's already dead...
McCoy : Come on, Scotty... if we could save a couple of whales, we can save
Jim, too.
Scotty : Are you suggesting that we do a slingshot?
McCoy : That's precisely why we have to find Spock first.
Scotty : Do you have any idea as for where to start the search?
McCoy : Yes. He was reported seen on Deep Space Nine Station.
Scotty : And what are we waiting for? Let's engage the engines at maximum
warp towards DS9!
McCoy : Well, let's go to the Bridge, then. There's nothing useful we can
do staying here any longer...
[Scotty, McCoy and Deanna leave Transporter Room 3... and an instant later, a
second Scotty materializes on the transporter pad! The transporter Chief, who
is examining the console, doesn't notice him until he steps down the pad]
Chief : Oh, I'm glad you just returned, Sir. Could you help me fix the
transporter? I think I've found the problem...
[Scotty-2 approaches the Transporter Chief]
Chief : Look here... Do you see...?
[Scotty-2 begins to strangle him]
Chief : OK, I forgot to say 'please'...! Security to Transporter Room 3...!
[Is it just a coincidence that this Transporter Chief was wearing a red shirt?
Just when Scotty-2 is about done killing him, Worf and two security guards
enter the Transporter Room and stun him. Scotty, Deanna and Bones, who were
not too far on their way to the Bridge yet, enter right behind them]
McCoy : Not again! OK, Scotty, you already know the procedure... you have
to accept that you both need each other, etc. Step onto the
transporter pad... OK, now let's wake up this one...
[Bones takes a bottle of Kentucky Bourbon out of his pocket and applies it to
Scotty-2's mouth until he regains consciousness...]
McCoy : Now listen! OK, Scotty, you already know the procedure... you have
to accept that you both need each other, etc. Step onto the
transporter pad... OK, now let's wake up this one...
[Bones applies his bottle of Kentucky Bourbon to the Transporter Chief's mouth
until he regains consciousness...]
McCoy : Funny! I feel just something like a 'deja vu'... [To the Chief] OK,
Chief, now all you have to do is revert the failure in order to
melt both of him into only one. Do you think you can do it?
Chief : Certainly, Sir! Energizing...
[The Chief gives a kick to the console, which blinks and returns to work...
returning now Scotty in one piece...]
McCoy : Well, we haven't a moment to lose! Let's go to the Bridge!
[Everybody except the Transporter Chief leaves the room]
Chief : Oh, those #@* 'Infinitum' chips!
And that's the end of Part 2. I wonder how many people understood the Get Smart reference. Ironically, years later I found out that on FOX's 1995 Get Smart show (which I hadn't heard of at the time, but fortunately I was able to get it on DVD several years later), Siegfried's daughter tells Max's son how his father had lied to her and her mother, telling them he worked as a doctor aboard a cruise ship...
Picard : Who the hell are you and how did you know I was the Captain?
Bricker : I'm Your Ship's Doctor, Adam Bricker. As for knowing that you were
the Captain - well, I only had to look at your head...
Picard : What do you mean?
Bricker : Oh, nothing... only that there's something which seems traditional
for this ship's Captains. But now, what can I do for you, Captain?
[Meanwhile, at Engineering]
LaForge : Hey, Data, take a look at this funny equipment I found here
connected to the computer. It's labeled 'V-C-R'.
Data : According to Starfleet Historical Database, those initials belong
to an old system designed to provide a way of entertainment to
people in the late 20th and early 21st Centuries. Finally, it
proved to be far more addictive than that game Commander Riker
brought back from Risa and was proscribed in 2029, together with
what was called 'T-V'. I wonder how this unit managed to be here...
LaForge : Maybe it's a new Romulan attempt to conquer the Federation...
Data : I seriously doubt it, Geordi. If you look closely at this side of
the unit, you will see that it says 'Made in Hong Kong', which is
hardly the name of a Romulan place. Elementary, my dear Geordi...
LaForge : Splendid deduction, Data! What else can you tell me?
Data : Well, once upon a time, there was a king who...
LaForge : I mean about this subject!
Data : Oh, well... The same sources say that the equipment worked by using
something called "video-cassettes", whose dimensions were some
188x104x25 mm, which leads me to believe they are stored in those
polymeric containers standing in the shelf right behind you.
LaForge : You mean these plastic boxes?
Data : That is just what I said.
LaForge : And what should one do with those - uh - 'video-cassettes'?
Data : Well, according to the Federation Database, you take them out of
the protective casing, depress the button labeled 'Power' in order
to energize the unit, and then insert the 'video-cassette' through
the big slot in the front of the unit.
LaForge : And what will this do?
Data : Well, the 'video-cassettes' are supposed to contain an analog
recording of bi-dimensional images which can be projected back on
a flat screen by means of an electron beam.
LaForge : How primitive! Those guys who designed this surely never heard
anything about Holodecks!
Data : Well, let us select one of these 'video-cassettes' by title in
order to get a better idea of how the system works. Could you
arrange to connect this equipment to the computer and display it on
a monitor screen?
LaForge : Of course I can! Meanwhile, you can look for a good title to try.
[Data starts reading the tape titles]
Data : 'XXX' - an intriguing title...
LaForge : Better choose another, Data. I think you are still too young for
that one.
Data : There are 79 here of something called 'Star Trek'.
LaForge : Sounds like a primitive astronomical guide. Should be boring.
Discard them.
[As Geordi opens the casing of the 'V-C-R']
LaForge : This is funny - it seems somebody already made a connection here...
Well, it seems the system is currently active...
Data : Here is one which I think should be interesting. It is entitled
'Get Smart'. It should be a sort of method for the further
development of human mental skills, as the name implies...
[At the very same time, back in Holodeck 3]
Picard : Well, if you are the ship's doctor, then the first thing you could
do is go to Sickbay and help Dr. Crusher to clean up the mess up
there.
Bricker : Well, Captain, this is currently not possible.
Picard : What?! As Captain of this ship I am giving you a direct order!
Barclay : Captain, I think there's a justified ground for this...
Bricker : Indeed, there is, my friend! Captain, you should already have
noticed that I am currently a holographic projection - the original
Doctor died very long ago. I was programmed with all of his medical
knowledge and personality.
Picard : A holographic doctor??? Who has heard of such a thing before???
Barclay : [raising his hand] I have, Captain. I read about this in the last
issue of 'Holography Today'. It's said to have been implemented in
all Intrepid-Class Federation vessels. This must have been the
prototype.
Bricker : You're right, my friend. So, what now, Captain?
Picard : Well, I don't like self-conscious holograms - so I'm going to order
the computer to end the program. Mr. Worf, after finishing here,
make sure the name "SS Galactic Princess" has been wiped out and
replaced by "USS Enterprise - NCC-1701-E" on the hull...
Bricker : You can't do that, Captain! Neither to me nor to the ship!
Picard : Oh, yes, I can. I am the Captain. And there's nothing you can do
to stop me, since you can't get out of here, anyway...
[At the very same instant, on Engineering]
LaForge : OK, Data, give me the 'video-cassette'... Oh, look, there was one
already inside...
[He changes the videocassette]
Data : What was the name of that one?
LaForge : I think it says "The Love Boat" or something like that.
[And back on Holodeck 3... the Doctor loses his glasses, his uniform changes
into leather clothes and boots, he grows a moustache and a Luger appears on his
hand, turning into... Siegfried!
Siegfried : It's _YOU_ who can't leave now, Chief! Now you are my prisoners!
[Worf tries to get his phaser, but Siegfried is faster and shoots him at the
arm]
Siegfried : Nein, nein! You shouldn't have done das! Now be gute Kinder and
drop all your Waffen, sonst I'll pump you voll lead! And dies time
nicht eben Smart will be able to stop mich! Jawohl! Hohoho!
- Act V -
Picard : You mean to hold us prisoners here until we cede to your absurd
demands?!
Siegfried : Ja, you got die Idee. I will take command of dieses Schiff and use
it to get back to KAOS Hauptquartiere. But first I will have to
kill you.
Picard : Computer, end program!
[Absolutely nothing happens]
Barclay : I was telling you, Captain, that the program cannot be cancelled...
Siegfried : Was were you trying to do, Chief? Distract my attention? Auf
Nimmerwiedersehen, Chief!
Worf : What did he say, Captain?
Siegfried : I said "Never see you again"!
[He takes a step back]
[Back at Engineering...]
Data : It seems this was not what I thought. Let us better put again the
other 'video-cassette'...
[Geordi puts back the "Love Boat" videocassette]
[Back at Holodeck 3, the scenario changes back to the swimming pool, just
beneath Siegfried's feet, so that he falls into it]
Siegfried : Ach, Du Sch***! Das Schiff sinkt! Rettet sich wer kann!
Worf : What did he say, Captain?
Siegfried : I said "Oh, sh**! The ship sinks, save... Glub, glub...
Worf : What kind of word is 'Glub, glub'? I don' think I have heard it
before.
Barclay : I think he is drowning, Sir.
[From the swimming pool emerges back Dr. Bricker]
Bricker : What happened? Why was I in the middle of the swimming pool?
Picard : It's all right, Doctor. OK, we'll let you stay here. We'll call you
if we need you.
Bricker : Well, Captain, I think I can afford that. Bye, then.
Picard : Computer, Exit!
[They retrieve their phasers and exit the Holodeck. Back in Engineering...]
LaForge : Hmmm... Data, I've traced those connections going out from the
system... It seems they lead to Holodeck 3!
Data : I recall Lt. Barclay said something about inspecting the Holodecks.
Maybe he is still there?
LaForge : Let's see. Chief Engineer LaForge to Lt. Barclay.
Comm Badge: Lt. Barclay here. What can I do for you, Sir?
LaForge : Tell me, Reg, have you found any anomalies on your inspection of
Holodeck 3?
[The scene changes to show Barclay in front of the Holodeck and Picard and Worf
entering the Turbolift]
Barclay : Any anomalies? Oh, well - it's a very long story, Sir...
- Act VI -
[Picard and Worf enter the Bridge from the Turbolift]
Riker : Everything normal on Holodeck 3, Captain?
Picard : Yes, Number One - everything is now back to normal.
McCoy : Picard, during your absence we have located Scotty and Spock.
Scotty is already en route to the ship. Spock was last seen on the
Deep Space Nine Station.
[Picard's Comm Badge sounds]
Crusher : Dr. Crusher to Captain Picard...
Picard : Yes, Doctor?
Crusher : Captain, I fear there is nothing more I can do for the patient...
You better come while he is still alive...
Picard : I'm on my way. Picard out. Number One, follow me. Admiral, you have
the Bridge.
[Picard and Riker enter the Turbolift]
Worf : Admiral, there is an incoming message from the Space Dock. Captain
Scott has arrived and is requesting to be transported aboard, Sir.
McCoy : Let's go to Transporter Room 3. [To Deanna] Would you like to come
with me, Madam?
Troi : It will be a pleasure, Admiral.
McCoy : Let's go. Mr. Worf, the Bridge is yours.
[McCoy and Deanna enter the Turbolift... and they fall two decks, since it has
not returned yet!]
McCoy : Oh, my Bones!
Troi : Oh, my *****!
[They stay up and exit the shaft. This time they wait for the Turbolift before
trying to enter. Then they exit the Turbolift, still complaining, and head
towards Transporter Room 3]
[Meanwhile, at Sickbay... Picard and Riker are just entering...]
Crusher : I'm sorry it's already too late, Captain - he's dead!
Picard : NOOO! *Sob*
Crusher : You have to be brave, Jean-Luc.
[Rushing to the bed, Picard raises the dead body of his beloved Livingston]
Picard : Alas! poor Yorick. I knew him, Number One; a fish of infinite jest,
of most excellent fancy. Where be your gibes now? your gambols?
Quite chapfallen? [To Riker] Prithee, Number One, tell me one
thing.
Riker : What's that, Sir?
Picard : Dost thou ever think Livingston smelt so? Pah! [He throws the dead
fish away]
Riker : E'en so, Sir.
Crusher : Captain, I think you forgot that this was a highly poisonous fish -
and you just touched it with your bare hands!
Picard : What?! Oh my God! Do you have an antidote?
Crusher : You're lucky, Captain - it's today's special offer. Here.
[She immunizes Picard]
Picard : Well, Doctor, you can dispose of that waste as you like most. Let's
return to the Bridge, Number One.
[Picard and Riker leave Sickbay, while Dr. Crusher carefully puts the dead
Livingston inside a plastic bag.]
[Meanwhile, at Transporter Room 3... McCoy and Deanna enter]
McCoy : Chief, signal the Space Dock that we are ready to transport Captain
Scott aboard.
Chief : Aye, Sir.
Scotty : Scott to Enterprise - beam me up!
McCoy : Energize!
Chief : Sir! There seems to be a problem with the transporter!
McCoy : We can't lose Scotty! Can you fix it on the fly?
Chief : Yes, Sir! [He hits the console, which blinks and returns to work]
[Scotty is safely beamed aboard the ship]
Scotty : Gee, I always wanted to know what it was like to say that! Hi,
doctor! You look a little mishandled - as if you were 180 years old
and had just fallen down a shaft!
McCoy : Welcome aboard, Scotty. I've been missing your sense of humour as
much as Spock's lack of it.
Troi : I'm glad to see you again, Mr. Scott.
Scotty : Let me assure you the feeling is mutual, madam...
[Scotty climbs out of the transporter pad.]
Scotty : So this bathtub is the new Enterprise?
McCoy : Yes, but we don't have time now to talk about it. We must go search
for Spock in order to rescue Jim.
Scotty : You say the Captain is still alive? I thought he had died on that
accident 78 years ago.
McCoy : No, he was alive - until a couple of months ago...
Scotty : Alive! But it canna be possible! Nah! Not after so long!
McCoy : For him, no time had passed. That energy ribbon which wiped out the
lower decks of the Enterprise-B transported him into a timeless
zone called the Nexus... It seems the El-Aurians had already been
caught there.
Scotty : But what's that you say, he was alive until a couple of months ago?
McCoy : He escaped with the help of Captain Picard and died when trying to
stop a madman named Soran who was trying to re-enter the Nexus at
any cost.
Scotty : But nothing has changed if he's already dead...
McCoy : Come on, Scotty... if we could save a couple of whales, we can save
Jim, too.
Scotty : Are you suggesting that we do a slingshot?
McCoy : That's precisely why we have to find Spock first.
Scotty : Do you have any idea as for where to start the search?
McCoy : Yes. He was reported seen on Deep Space Nine Station.
Scotty : And what are we waiting for? Let's engage the engines at maximum
warp towards DS9!
McCoy : Well, let's go to the Bridge, then. There's nothing useful we can
do staying here any longer...
[Scotty, McCoy and Deanna leave Transporter Room 3... and an instant later, a
second Scotty materializes on the transporter pad! The transporter Chief, who
is examining the console, doesn't notice him until he steps down the pad]
Chief : Oh, I'm glad you just returned, Sir. Could you help me fix the
transporter? I think I've found the problem...
[Scotty-2 approaches the Transporter Chief]
Chief : Look here... Do you see...?
[Scotty-2 begins to strangle him]
Chief : OK, I forgot to say 'please'...! Security to Transporter Room 3...!
[Is it just a coincidence that this Transporter Chief was wearing a red shirt?
Just when Scotty-2 is about done killing him, Worf and two security guards
enter the Transporter Room and stun him. Scotty, Deanna and Bones, who were
not too far on their way to the Bridge yet, enter right behind them]
McCoy : Not again! OK, Scotty, you already know the procedure... you have
to accept that you both need each other, etc. Step onto the
transporter pad... OK, now let's wake up this one...
[Bones takes a bottle of Kentucky Bourbon out of his pocket and applies it to
Scotty-2's mouth until he regains consciousness...]
McCoy : Now listen! OK, Scotty, you already know the procedure... you have
to accept that you both need each other, etc. Step onto the
transporter pad... OK, now let's wake up this one...
[Bones applies his bottle of Kentucky Bourbon to the Transporter Chief's mouth
until he regains consciousness...]
McCoy : Funny! I feel just something like a 'deja vu'... [To the Chief] OK,
Chief, now all you have to do is revert the failure in order to
melt both of him into only one. Do you think you can do it?
Chief : Certainly, Sir! Energizing...
[The Chief gives a kick to the console, which blinks and returns to work...
returning now Scotty in one piece...]
McCoy : Well, we haven't a moment to lose! Let's go to the Bridge!
[Everybody except the Transporter Chief leaves the room]
Chief : Oh, those #@* 'Infinitum' chips!
And that's the end of Part 2. I wonder how many people understood the Get Smart reference. Ironically, years later I found out that on FOX's 1995 Get Smart show (which I hadn't heard of at the time, but fortunately I was able to get it on DVD several years later), Siegfried's daughter tells Max's son how his father had lied to her and her mother, telling them he worked as a doctor aboard a cruise ship...
Stay tuned for Part 3! Coming up in a little while!
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