Now it's time for Part 3 of my epic (if you don't mind me saying it) parody! As I mentioned before, you have to keep in mind the timeframe when this was written. I wonder how many people nowadays still remember "Happy Days", "Rise of the Triad" or IBM's OS/2 Warp. Also, have you noticed how all bars, cantinas and other places of ill reputation in science fiction look more or less the same...?
- Act VII -
[Worf, Deanna, Scotty and Bones enter the Bridge from the Turbolift. Picard and
Riker are already there, as is Data, who is sitting at the Conn chair]
McCoy : Well, Captain Picard, let's go!
Picard : Yes, Admiral. Mr. Data, take us out, 1/4 impulse.
Data : Yes, Sir! Engaging impulse engines, 1/4 impulse.
[As the ship leaves the dock, a ship's hoot is heard and the tune of 'The Love
Boat' plays]
Picard : What the hell is that??!!
Data : I think those were some of the 'minor modifications' mentioned by
Cmdr. LaForge, Sir. I think I can figure out a way to nulify them,
Sir.
Picard : Then make it so!
[Data stays up from his chair, walks towards the Rockola and knocks it with his
fist. The sounds end abruptly. Data turns back, raises both hands with thumbs
up and says "Heeeyyyy!", then walks back to his station]
[Which Rockola, you are asking? That one they have on the Bridge! Haven't you
noticed it on every episode? Tsk, tsk! It's the funny instrument panel with
blinking lights that you never knew _what_ it was]
Picard : Mr. Data, take us to DS9 Station at warp 8!
Data : Yes, Sir. Heading to DS8 Station at warp 9.
Picard : I said DS9 at warp 8!
Data : I was only joking, Sir. Now engaging warp engines at warp 8 towards
DS9 Station.
[As the ship enters warp, we have a commercial break]
Barclay : You can't still get your holodeck program right as you would like
it? Then call us at BARCLAYSOFT - we are THE experts in Holodeck
Programs. You name it, we have it - and if we don't, we make it in
no longer than 4 hours. We have created such masterpieces as the
all-populars 'Castle Borgenstein 4-D', 'BooM III' and 'Rise of the
Romulans', and the upcoming 'Viewscreens 2372' operating system and
'TOS Warp'. For more information, you can contact our President and
Founder himself, Lt. Reginald Barclay, by subspace radio, toll-free
at 1-800-NCC1701 (E), from 0800 to 2200 FTB (Federation Timebase).
All our products come with a license for up to 5 Holosuites. Ask
for our special discount for Ferengi bar-owners.
[And now, back to STAR TREK 8: The Rescue of Kirk]
- Act VIII -
[Shot from the Enterprise-E (formerly Galactic Princess) docked to DS9 Station.
Next, the scene changes to a shot of DS9's main square, and finally it changes
to the inside of Quark's Bar]
[While Quark is serving at the bar, Scotty and Bones approach]
Quark : Yes? What would you like? The house's special?
Scotty : A good Scotch for me!
McCoy : And a bottle of Kentucky Bourbon for me... mine is already nearly
empty!
Quark : Oh, very well, gentlemen. A Scotch and a Bourbon... [To Rom] What
the hell are those strange names for drinks? I've never heard of
them before! Go try to learn something about them... [To Scotty]
You'll be served in a minute, sir.
[A hooded man enters the bar. Quark sees him]
Quark : Oh, excuse me. [He walks towards the new customer] Is there some
way in which I can be useful to you, sir?
Hooded : I'm looking for a good pilot with a fast ship and no questions.
Quark : Oh, I think I can guide you just to the proper man... but it will
be difficult to get to him, I'll need some kind of... let's call
it a forehand compensation for my services...
Hooded : You don't need a compensation...
Quark : I don't... I mean I _need_ a compensation...
Kenobi : [To himself] What's happening? This is the first time ever that
The Force has failed... Let's concentrate! [To Quark] You already
got your compensation... Now I can follow you...
Quark : I already got my compensation... Now you can follow me...
[Quark takes him to the Holosuites and calls at the door of one of them. The
door opens, and Captain Okona shows his head]
Quark : This man wants to talk you about business...
Okona : Oh! Then please wait a couple of minutes... [He disappears inside
the Holosuite]
Kenobi : Now you have to return to your business...
Quark : Now I have to return to my business... [He returns to the bar]
[Some moments later, the door opens again, and Okona invites Kenobi to enter]
Kenobi : I understand you are one of the best pilots of the Quadrant...
Okona : You were well informed. It's very difficult that you could find
a better one at this time in this place. You were really lucky you
could get me...
Kenobi : I also heard that your ship is one of the fastest of this Quadrant.
Okona : You're right again! The 'Erstwhile' is indeed the fastest ship of
the whole Quadrant...
Kenobi : Wait a minute! The 'Erstwhile', you said? Shouldn't it be the
'Millenium Falcon'?
Okona : Of course not! It's always been the 'Erstwhile'!
Kenobi : I think we haven't been properly introduced... You are Captain
Solo, aren't you?
Okona : No, I'm Captain Okona! Old man, where do you think you are?
Kenobi : Isn't this the 'Cantina at Mos Eisley Spaceport' set?
Okona : No, this is the 'Quark's Bar at Deep Space Nine Station' set! The
one you are looking for is in the next studio, to the east...
Kenobi : [Taking an old watch from his pocket and looking at it] Oh, damn
it! I'm going to be late! [He exits the room still shouting "I'm
gonna be late!"]
[Meanwhile, back at the bar...]
Quark : Well, gentlemen, here are the drinks you ordered... [He serves
Scotty and Bones their respective drinks] Is there anything else I
could do for you?
Scotty : Well, yes! We are looking for a middle-aged Vulcan...
Bones : A green-blooded, pointy-eared, damned Vulcan named Spock!
Quark : A Vulcan! Sorry, but I haven't seen any around here for a long
time. Wouldn't you like me to introduce you to a Klingon?
[Suddenly, he sees a hooded man near the entrance, which makes him remember...]
Quark : Excuse me, I've just remembered that man has a pending account with
me... [He walks towards the hooded man] Hey, you! I don't know how
you did it, but you nearly managed to make me forget your pending
account! Where's my compensation?
Hooded : I don't know what pending account or compensation you're talking
about.
Quark : Come on, you liar! Do you deny you owe me a compensation for taking
you to Captain Okona?
Hooded : I don't know that Captain Okona you're talking about. Besides, I'm
incapable of lying.
[He uncovers his head, revealing the face of... Spock!]
Quark : [Looking at him in astonishment] You... you're a Vulcan!
- Act IX -
Quark : Oh, I beg your pardon, Sir. I certainly shouldn't have doubted
of your word. Tell me, is by any coincidence your name Spock?
Spock : I accept your apologies. And yes, I am Ambassador Spock, of Vulcan.
Quark : Oh, Ambassador! Let me apologize again. Please take a seat! This
is my house's best table. [Spock sits down] Could I perhaps offer
you something to drink? The house will pay for it.
Spock : Well, maybe some Romulan ale...
Quark : Of course, Sir! You'll be served in less than a minute!
[Quark walks away and returns to Scotty and Bones at the bar]
Quark : Tell me, are you still interested in finding that Vulcan you
mentioned before?
McCoy : Yes, he's the reason for our presence here.
Quark : And would you offer some... er... reward for any information that
could lead you to him?
Scotty : Maybe... depending on the results obtained from that information...
Quark : Oh, then I'll be glad to take you just directly to him. Please
follow me!
[He takes them to Spock's table]
Quark : Gentlemen, Ambassador Spock. Ambassador, ...
McCoy : Spock, you damned S.O.B.! We've been looking for you! You must come
with us to rescue Jim!
Spock : I'm also glad to see you, Doctor, Mr. Scott. But what you expect me
to help you with is impossible - Jim Kirk died 78 years and 4
months ago.
McCoy : He's NOT dead, not JIM! At least, he was alive two months ago...
Spock : Could you please explain that, Doctor?
McCoy : He was trapped in a timeless zone called the 'Nexus', until two
months ago, when Captain Picard got trapped there too, and they
managed to escape together...
Spock : Fascinating...
Scotty : And what were you doing here, Mr. Spock?
Spock : I actually came here to try to find traces of my nephew Tuvok.
McCoy : Your NEPHEW! I thought you didn't have any brothers, except your
half-brother Sybok - and he died 3 films ago, without descendants.
Spock : You are right, Doctor. I didn't have other brothers - but I had a
SISTER.
Scotty : How does it come you never told anything about her?
Spock : Well, you must admit you never asked me.
McCoy : And that Tuvok - am I right if I assume he's her son?
Spock : Yes, Doctor, your conclusion is right. At this time, he is the USS
Voyager's Security Chief, and he had infiltrated the Maquis, when
the ship he was aboard disappeared somewhere among the Badlands.
The USS Voyager went to search for them, but it also disappeared...
Scotty : So your sister thought that, being an analytical Vulcan, you would
be more successful in searching for them.
Spock : You're very perceptive, Mr. Scott. Unfortunately, my investigations
haven't discovered any relevant data which could have been omitted
by Starfleet. So there's nothing else I can do here. But now, Dr.
McCoy, could you be more specific about what you meant when you
said that Jim "at least was alive two months ago"?
McCoy : Er - well, while helping Captain Picard save the Galaxy (again), he
- er - died... two months ago...
Spock : So Jim IS dead.
McCoy : Damn it, Spock! By knowing the precise instant in which he was
killed, we can be able to _avoid_ his death!
Spock : Must I assume you are suggesting that we do a slingshot in order to
travel back in time and rescue Jim, Doctor?
McCoy : Brilliant! So you really have _something_ inside your head between
your pointy ears!
Spock : Doctor McCoy, I think you aren't conscious of the potential damage
to the structure of our Universe by interfering with the past - the
so-called "Entropy Effect".
McCoy : Damn it, you silly Vulcan! Jim was your _friend_! If we did it with
a couple of whales, we can do it with Jim! We need you to adjust
the trajectory for the slingshot! JIM needs you! What about your
human side? Has it been _buried_ under all that useless Vulcan
logic?
Spock : I remember Jim telling me that sometimes, the needs of the _one_
outweight the needs of the _many_ - when he returned me back to
life. All right, Doctor, I will do it.
McCoy : Great! Then, as soon as I can get an adequate ship, we'll depart
towards Veridian III...
Spock : 'We'? Must I understand that you are planning to come with us?
McCoy : Of course I do! I can't simply stay here and wait to know about the
success of the rescue mission!
Scotty : But Doctor, I think you are too old for taking such a risk.
McCoy : I already have taken care of that. Remember, I'm a doctor, not just
an Admiral! I was Admiral Mark Jameson's personal doctor and got a
sample of the youth elixir he drank. And now I've finally managed
to replicate it and eliminate its nasty side effects by adding an
ounce of Kentucky Bourbon, so I can drink it safely now...
[McCoy opens his bag and takes a bottle out of it, the content of which he
pours into his glass and then drinks...]
Scotty : What did it taste like?
McCoy : Not bad, but -hicks- it sheems I inshoduced anosher shide effect to
it... -hicks- Funny, I don't feel any shounger...
Scotty : That's because ya forgot to say "Shazam!".
Spock : You shouldn't have done that, Admiral! Let's better take him to the
Medical Center immediately, Mr. Scott!
McCoy : Dammit, Spock, I'm a doctor, not a patient!
Spock : You are behaving in a very irrational way, Dr. McCoy. You are
putting you life at risk.
McCoy : Listen, Spock, I'm not going to let any damned Vulcan tell me...
[Spock applies him the Vulcan Grip, leaving him unconscious]
Spock : So, now, Mr. Scott, let's take him to the Medical Center.
Scotty : As you say, Mr. Spock.
[They take the unconscious Bones and begin carrying him outside. As Quark sees
that, he approaches them]
Quark : Excuse me, gentlemen, but what about my reward?
Scotty : Your reward? Your awful drink has nearly killed the Admiral and you
expect a reward? You oughta be glad that we don't _demand_ you!
Starfleet could have your establishment closed and you jailed...
[Suddenly, Odo morphs from a vase on top of a nearby table]
Odo : So you want him jailed? May I know what he has done?
Scotty : Isn't it evident? The poor Admiral got badly sick after drinking
that poor excuse of whisky he served us! And now he expects us to
_reward_ him! Ha! You'll hear notices from Starfleet Command! And
from the Vulcan Government!
Spock : Excuse us, but we don't have a moment to lose. We must take the
Admiral to the Medical Center immediately.
[Spock and Scotty exit the bar carrying Bones]
Odo : So, Quark, what do you have to say?
Quark : At least they could have paid for the other two drinks!
- Act X -
[Dr. McCoy begins to regain consciousness. At first, he can't speak and only
can see shadows through a foggy veil, but he hears the voices...]
Scotty : And how's the Dr., Doctor?
Bashir : Well, it seems the de-ageing process is now slowing down and will
completely stop in a couple of hours...
Scotty : Are you sure he won't be killed in the same way Admiral Jameson
was?
Bashir : Well, my analysis indicates that the substance reacted with the
alcohol radicals present in the Bourbon -or maybe the ones present
in the Admiral's bloodstream- and this has changed its properties
to a degree high enough as to allow the regeneration of the tissues
as to produce a de-ageing process of some 80 years or so, but
stable enough as to allow him to survive the process!
Spock : But, Dr. Bashir, I think you...
[Bones hears the name and, making an effort, incorporates on the table]
McCoy : BASHIR?! JULIAN Bashir?! No!! You can't be a doctor in exercise!
You _failed_ the exams! You should be selling tennis balls in a
department store...!
Bashir : Oh, my God! He's in a terrible Delirium! I've got to SEDATE him
immediately! [He applies a hipospray to Bones, making him lose
consciousness again]
Spock : Tell me, Dr. Bashir, what was all that the Admiral said about you
failing your exams at Starfleet Medical?
Bashir : Oh, I already told you... just a delirium! He was... phantasizing!
Now you can take him with you and in a couple of hours, as I told
you, he'll be pretty good! Good bye!
[Bashir practically forces Scotty and Spock to carry Bones out of the Medical
Center]
[Worf, Deanna, Scotty and Bones enter the Bridge from the Turbolift. Picard and
Riker are already there, as is Data, who is sitting at the Conn chair]
McCoy : Well, Captain Picard, let's go!
Picard : Yes, Admiral. Mr. Data, take us out, 1/4 impulse.
Data : Yes, Sir! Engaging impulse engines, 1/4 impulse.
[As the ship leaves the dock, a ship's hoot is heard and the tune of 'The Love
Boat' plays]
Picard : What the hell is that??!!
Data : I think those were some of the 'minor modifications' mentioned by
Cmdr. LaForge, Sir. I think I can figure out a way to nulify them,
Sir.
Picard : Then make it so!
[Data stays up from his chair, walks towards the Rockola and knocks it with his
fist. The sounds end abruptly. Data turns back, raises both hands with thumbs
up and says "Heeeyyyy!", then walks back to his station]
[Which Rockola, you are asking? That one they have on the Bridge! Haven't you
noticed it on every episode? Tsk, tsk! It's the funny instrument panel with
blinking lights that you never knew _what_ it was]
Picard : Mr. Data, take us to DS9 Station at warp 8!
Data : Yes, Sir. Heading to DS8 Station at warp 9.
Picard : I said DS9 at warp 8!
Data : I was only joking, Sir. Now engaging warp engines at warp 8 towards
DS9 Station.
[As the ship enters warp, we have a commercial break]
Barclay : You can't still get your holodeck program right as you would like
it? Then call us at BARCLAYSOFT - we are THE experts in Holodeck
Programs. You name it, we have it - and if we don't, we make it in
no longer than 4 hours. We have created such masterpieces as the
all-populars 'Castle Borgenstein 4-D', 'BooM III' and 'Rise of the
Romulans', and the upcoming 'Viewscreens 2372' operating system and
'TOS Warp'. For more information, you can contact our President and
Founder himself, Lt. Reginald Barclay, by subspace radio, toll-free
at 1-800-NCC1701 (E), from 0800 to 2200 FTB (Federation Timebase).
All our products come with a license for up to 5 Holosuites. Ask
for our special discount for Ferengi bar-owners.
[And now, back to STAR TREK 8: The Rescue of Kirk]
- Act VIII -
[Shot from the Enterprise-E (formerly Galactic Princess) docked to DS9 Station.
Next, the scene changes to a shot of DS9's main square, and finally it changes
to the inside of Quark's Bar]
[While Quark is serving at the bar, Scotty and Bones approach]
Quark : Yes? What would you like? The house's special?
Scotty : A good Scotch for me!
McCoy : And a bottle of Kentucky Bourbon for me... mine is already nearly
empty!
Quark : Oh, very well, gentlemen. A Scotch and a Bourbon... [To Rom] What
the hell are those strange names for drinks? I've never heard of
them before! Go try to learn something about them... [To Scotty]
You'll be served in a minute, sir.
[A hooded man enters the bar. Quark sees him]
Quark : Oh, excuse me. [He walks towards the new customer] Is there some
way in which I can be useful to you, sir?
Hooded : I'm looking for a good pilot with a fast ship and no questions.
Quark : Oh, I think I can guide you just to the proper man... but it will
be difficult to get to him, I'll need some kind of... let's call
it a forehand compensation for my services...
Hooded : You don't need a compensation...
Quark : I don't... I mean I _need_ a compensation...
Kenobi : [To himself] What's happening? This is the first time ever that
The Force has failed... Let's concentrate! [To Quark] You already
got your compensation... Now I can follow you...
Quark : I already got my compensation... Now you can follow me...
[Quark takes him to the Holosuites and calls at the door of one of them. The
door opens, and Captain Okona shows his head]
Quark : This man wants to talk you about business...
Okona : Oh! Then please wait a couple of minutes... [He disappears inside
the Holosuite]
Kenobi : Now you have to return to your business...
Quark : Now I have to return to my business... [He returns to the bar]
[Some moments later, the door opens again, and Okona invites Kenobi to enter]
Kenobi : I understand you are one of the best pilots of the Quadrant...
Okona : You were well informed. It's very difficult that you could find
a better one at this time in this place. You were really lucky you
could get me...
Kenobi : I also heard that your ship is one of the fastest of this Quadrant.
Okona : You're right again! The 'Erstwhile' is indeed the fastest ship of
the whole Quadrant...
Kenobi : Wait a minute! The 'Erstwhile', you said? Shouldn't it be the
'Millenium Falcon'?
Okona : Of course not! It's always been the 'Erstwhile'!
Kenobi : I think we haven't been properly introduced... You are Captain
Solo, aren't you?
Okona : No, I'm Captain Okona! Old man, where do you think you are?
Kenobi : Isn't this the 'Cantina at Mos Eisley Spaceport' set?
Okona : No, this is the 'Quark's Bar at Deep Space Nine Station' set! The
one you are looking for is in the next studio, to the east...
Kenobi : [Taking an old watch from his pocket and looking at it] Oh, damn
it! I'm going to be late! [He exits the room still shouting "I'm
gonna be late!"]
[Meanwhile, back at the bar...]
Quark : Well, gentlemen, here are the drinks you ordered... [He serves
Scotty and Bones their respective drinks] Is there anything else I
could do for you?
Scotty : Well, yes! We are looking for a middle-aged Vulcan...
Bones : A green-blooded, pointy-eared, damned Vulcan named Spock!
Quark : A Vulcan! Sorry, but I haven't seen any around here for a long
time. Wouldn't you like me to introduce you to a Klingon?
[Suddenly, he sees a hooded man near the entrance, which makes him remember...]
Quark : Excuse me, I've just remembered that man has a pending account with
me... [He walks towards the hooded man] Hey, you! I don't know how
you did it, but you nearly managed to make me forget your pending
account! Where's my compensation?
Hooded : I don't know what pending account or compensation you're talking
about.
Quark : Come on, you liar! Do you deny you owe me a compensation for taking
you to Captain Okona?
Hooded : I don't know that Captain Okona you're talking about. Besides, I'm
incapable of lying.
[He uncovers his head, revealing the face of... Spock!]
Quark : [Looking at him in astonishment] You... you're a Vulcan!
- Act IX -
Quark : Oh, I beg your pardon, Sir. I certainly shouldn't have doubted
of your word. Tell me, is by any coincidence your name Spock?
Spock : I accept your apologies. And yes, I am Ambassador Spock, of Vulcan.
Quark : Oh, Ambassador! Let me apologize again. Please take a seat! This
is my house's best table. [Spock sits down] Could I perhaps offer
you something to drink? The house will pay for it.
Spock : Well, maybe some Romulan ale...
Quark : Of course, Sir! You'll be served in less than a minute!
[Quark walks away and returns to Scotty and Bones at the bar]
Quark : Tell me, are you still interested in finding that Vulcan you
mentioned before?
McCoy : Yes, he's the reason for our presence here.
Quark : And would you offer some... er... reward for any information that
could lead you to him?
Scotty : Maybe... depending on the results obtained from that information...
Quark : Oh, then I'll be glad to take you just directly to him. Please
follow me!
[He takes them to Spock's table]
Quark : Gentlemen, Ambassador Spock. Ambassador, ...
McCoy : Spock, you damned S.O.B.! We've been looking for you! You must come
with us to rescue Jim!
Spock : I'm also glad to see you, Doctor, Mr. Scott. But what you expect me
to help you with is impossible - Jim Kirk died 78 years and 4
months ago.
McCoy : He's NOT dead, not JIM! At least, he was alive two months ago...
Spock : Could you please explain that, Doctor?
McCoy : He was trapped in a timeless zone called the 'Nexus', until two
months ago, when Captain Picard got trapped there too, and they
managed to escape together...
Spock : Fascinating...
Scotty : And what were you doing here, Mr. Spock?
Spock : I actually came here to try to find traces of my nephew Tuvok.
McCoy : Your NEPHEW! I thought you didn't have any brothers, except your
half-brother Sybok - and he died 3 films ago, without descendants.
Spock : You are right, Doctor. I didn't have other brothers - but I had a
SISTER.
Scotty : How does it come you never told anything about her?
Spock : Well, you must admit you never asked me.
McCoy : And that Tuvok - am I right if I assume he's her son?
Spock : Yes, Doctor, your conclusion is right. At this time, he is the USS
Voyager's Security Chief, and he had infiltrated the Maquis, when
the ship he was aboard disappeared somewhere among the Badlands.
The USS Voyager went to search for them, but it also disappeared...
Scotty : So your sister thought that, being an analytical Vulcan, you would
be more successful in searching for them.
Spock : You're very perceptive, Mr. Scott. Unfortunately, my investigations
haven't discovered any relevant data which could have been omitted
by Starfleet. So there's nothing else I can do here. But now, Dr.
McCoy, could you be more specific about what you meant when you
said that Jim "at least was alive two months ago"?
McCoy : Er - well, while helping Captain Picard save the Galaxy (again), he
- er - died... two months ago...
Spock : So Jim IS dead.
McCoy : Damn it, Spock! By knowing the precise instant in which he was
killed, we can be able to _avoid_ his death!
Spock : Must I assume you are suggesting that we do a slingshot in order to
travel back in time and rescue Jim, Doctor?
McCoy : Brilliant! So you really have _something_ inside your head between
your pointy ears!
Spock : Doctor McCoy, I think you aren't conscious of the potential damage
to the structure of our Universe by interfering with the past - the
so-called "Entropy Effect".
McCoy : Damn it, you silly Vulcan! Jim was your _friend_! If we did it with
a couple of whales, we can do it with Jim! We need you to adjust
the trajectory for the slingshot! JIM needs you! What about your
human side? Has it been _buried_ under all that useless Vulcan
logic?
Spock : I remember Jim telling me that sometimes, the needs of the _one_
outweight the needs of the _many_ - when he returned me back to
life. All right, Doctor, I will do it.
McCoy : Great! Then, as soon as I can get an adequate ship, we'll depart
towards Veridian III...
Spock : 'We'? Must I understand that you are planning to come with us?
McCoy : Of course I do! I can't simply stay here and wait to know about the
success of the rescue mission!
Scotty : But Doctor, I think you are too old for taking such a risk.
McCoy : I already have taken care of that. Remember, I'm a doctor, not just
an Admiral! I was Admiral Mark Jameson's personal doctor and got a
sample of the youth elixir he drank. And now I've finally managed
to replicate it and eliminate its nasty side effects by adding an
ounce of Kentucky Bourbon, so I can drink it safely now...
[McCoy opens his bag and takes a bottle out of it, the content of which he
pours into his glass and then drinks...]
Scotty : What did it taste like?
McCoy : Not bad, but -hicks- it sheems I inshoduced anosher shide effect to
it... -hicks- Funny, I don't feel any shounger...
Scotty : That's because ya forgot to say "Shazam!".
Spock : You shouldn't have done that, Admiral! Let's better take him to the
Medical Center immediately, Mr. Scott!
McCoy : Dammit, Spock, I'm a doctor, not a patient!
Spock : You are behaving in a very irrational way, Dr. McCoy. You are
putting you life at risk.
McCoy : Listen, Spock, I'm not going to let any damned Vulcan tell me...
[Spock applies him the Vulcan Grip, leaving him unconscious]
Spock : So, now, Mr. Scott, let's take him to the Medical Center.
Scotty : As you say, Mr. Spock.
[They take the unconscious Bones and begin carrying him outside. As Quark sees
that, he approaches them]
Quark : Excuse me, gentlemen, but what about my reward?
Scotty : Your reward? Your awful drink has nearly killed the Admiral and you
expect a reward? You oughta be glad that we don't _demand_ you!
Starfleet could have your establishment closed and you jailed...
[Suddenly, Odo morphs from a vase on top of a nearby table]
Odo : So you want him jailed? May I know what he has done?
Scotty : Isn't it evident? The poor Admiral got badly sick after drinking
that poor excuse of whisky he served us! And now he expects us to
_reward_ him! Ha! You'll hear notices from Starfleet Command! And
from the Vulcan Government!
Spock : Excuse us, but we don't have a moment to lose. We must take the
Admiral to the Medical Center immediately.
[Spock and Scotty exit the bar carrying Bones]
Odo : So, Quark, what do you have to say?
Quark : At least they could have paid for the other two drinks!
- Act X -
[Dr. McCoy begins to regain consciousness. At first, he can't speak and only
can see shadows through a foggy veil, but he hears the voices...]
Scotty : And how's the Dr., Doctor?
Bashir : Well, it seems the de-ageing process is now slowing down and will
completely stop in a couple of hours...
Scotty : Are you sure he won't be killed in the same way Admiral Jameson
was?
Bashir : Well, my analysis indicates that the substance reacted with the
alcohol radicals present in the Bourbon -or maybe the ones present
in the Admiral's bloodstream- and this has changed its properties
to a degree high enough as to allow the regeneration of the tissues
as to produce a de-ageing process of some 80 years or so, but
stable enough as to allow him to survive the process!
Spock : But, Dr. Bashir, I think you...
[Bones hears the name and, making an effort, incorporates on the table]
McCoy : BASHIR?! JULIAN Bashir?! No!! You can't be a doctor in exercise!
You _failed_ the exams! You should be selling tennis balls in a
department store...!
Bashir : Oh, my God! He's in a terrible Delirium! I've got to SEDATE him
immediately! [He applies a hipospray to Bones, making him lose
consciousness again]
Spock : Tell me, Dr. Bashir, what was all that the Admiral said about you
failing your exams at Starfleet Medical?
Bashir : Oh, I already told you... just a delirium! He was... phantasizing!
Now you can take him with you and in a couple of hours, as I told
you, he'll be pretty good! Good bye!
[Bashir practically forces Scotty and Spock to carry Bones out of the Medical
Center]
So, now I've brought not only characters from TOS and TNG into the story, but also from DS9... and from Star Wars! Back then, games which were still popular were Castle Wolfenstein 3-D, DooM and DooM II, Rise of the Triad... and Duke Nukem 2D had not yet been released, or I'd have included a reference to it too. And let's not forget Windows 95, which looked like it barely made it getting released before they were forced to change its name to Windows 96. I will take the opportunity to take a small detour in order to retell a joke from back then regarding it:
God was disappointed with his little software project called "The Universe". Things weren't working out quite as He expected, some virus had entered the system, apparently through some Apple... His Little Computer People didn't behave quite right... and all sort of things. So, He decided to wipe the HDD out and start from scratch again. But then He thought "I can't just do that without telling My creatures beforehand what is going to happen, they deserve at leasr a warning so they can make peace with themselves before the moment arrives." So, He summoned to His presence the three most powerful people in the whole Creation: Bill Clinton, the President of the United States of America; Boris Yeltsin, the President of the Russian Federation; and Bill Gates, the Chairman, President and CEO of Microsoft. "Gentlemen, I have summoned all three of you into My presence because I have some news that I must give to you. You see, this Universe 1.0 software I had written has become infected with some virus, it's acting up, it's not doing what it was supposed to do... and well, I've decided it's not worth the trouble to keep it running and taking up valuable resources. So, in another 24 hours, I will be stopping the program, erasing it, reformatting the hard disk at low level, and writing a new version from scratch. Now, go back to Earth and spread My word, so that the people there can be at peace before the moment arrives." So, the three go back to Earth. Bill Clinton calls a press conference at the White House: "My fellow Americans: I have both good news and bad news for you. The good news is that God exists, and we always had faith in Him. The bad news is that the Universe is ending in another 24 hours and there's nothing we can do about that." Boris Yeltsin calls his inner circle for a meeting: "Comrades! I have two bad news for us! The first one is that, contrary to what we have always stated, God does exist. And the second one is that we don't have enough time left to change that situation." And Bill Gates calls all the Microsoft employees at the company's HQ and addresses them with a wide grin from ear to ear: "Hey boys and girls! I have a couple great news to share with you! The first one is that... I am God's chosen envoy! And the second one is... we don't need to worry about getting Windows 95 released on time anymore!"
What more can I add? I always thought Captain Okona reminded me of Han Solo to a certain degree, and he should have been brought back at some point. And also, that Quark's face reminded me of that fellow a the beginning of Star Trek V: The Final Frontier who meets Sybok first.
So, that's it for Part 3. Stay tuned for Part 4, later same Bat-Day, same Bat-Blog!
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